


Being Intimate

by EclecticRegard



Series: Ace!Sonny 'verse [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Sonny Carisi, Communication, Dating, Established Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Rafael and Sonny have different definitions of intimacy, Rafael respecting Sonny's boundaries, Sonny doesn't mind having sex, Sonny's always surprising Rafael, Trying to figure out intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 03:02:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13871712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EclecticRegard/pseuds/EclecticRegard
Summary: Rafael has always shown the person he is dating how much they mean to him through physical, sexual means. He is unsure how to show Sonny what he means to him.





	Being Intimate

**Author's Note:**

> Asexual!Sonny. Sonny is flexible, however; he's not repulsed by sex, but past experiences have left him worried about his lack of physical response. Like all sexualities, there are many facets to being asexual. This is just how Sonny experiences his sexuality.

Before meeting Sonny Carisi, Rafael Barba hadn't been a very intimate person. Sure, he engaged in the normal 'couple-y' things whenever he were seeing someone casually or seriously, but physical closeness had ultimately boiled down to a shared heat and passion in the bedroom (or living room, kitchen, wherever... Rafael wasn't picky if it felt right). Sometimes it was easier to act than to speak, although Rafael could do that quite well, and sex that was enjoyable for all involved persons had proven to be the quickest, simplest way to get straight to the point that he really cared for somebody. His actions could say something to a lover that words would fail to express; he wouldn't allow himself to accept anything less than conveying his feelings fully, not when things got serious enough.

Then Sonny came along. 

Sonny, who had at first been thoroughly annoying and later endlessly endearing and one of Rafael's closest friends. Sonny, who had been brilliant and fun and just the right amount of pushy in both their professional and personal lives. 

Sonny, who had panicked at the end of their first date with a near-crippling worry under the assumption that Rafael wouldn't understand his sexuality and would utterly and thoroughly reject him before giving them a real chance.

Rafael had calmed Sonny down with his own brand of comfort -- serious enough to ensure Sonny knew he wasn't teasing, but joking at the right moment to pull Sonny out of his dejected slump -- and they wound up sleeping together. Literally. Rafael couldn't remember a time when he'd gone on a date and then simply slept in the other person's bed. Sonny had been so sweet when he first woke up. They had remained in one another's arms throughout the night, with Sonny's head resting on Rafael's shoulder and Rafael's arms still loosely wrapped around him, and when Sonny became aware enough to realize that the previous night hadn't been some wickedly unfair dream, he disentangled himself from Rafael's hold enough to kiss the side of his temple. Rafael awoke to the sensation, grumbling at first about being woken up. When Sonny had laughed softly and kissed his temple again, Rafael blearily blinked at him and proceeded to inform him that his kiss was just a little too high. Sonny has smiled a sickeningly sweet smile and told Rafael that his forehead kisses were reserved for only the best people, so the man had better start getting used to it (and if Rafael blushed a little at the sentiment, well, that was between the two of them).

After that, they continued dating each other. Things went slow, in Rafael's opinion, but he found that he just wasn't in that big of a hurry. Honestly, he wasn't sure what he would even be in a hurry  _for_. Although he hadn't come right out to say it, Sonny had implied that sex wasn't going to be an option between them. The thought of never having sex with Sonny downright sucked sometimes, Rafael would think to himself in his office or at home, but there were ways around it. And if he had gone home a few times alone to take care of himself after a date, well, he could deal with it. 

Because how could he broach the subject of what intimacy might be like for them when the look in Sonny's eyes that first night had been hauntingly burned into Rafael's memory?

\---

Sometimes it was difficult to plan for dates, what with the possibility of a case coming up at the last second. Still, Sonny seemed to take great pleasure in planning for a night together and Rafael was always understanding of the need to leave whenever a call came in; he would occasionally be asked along, if the situation called for it. However, when their planned dates weren't interrupted, they spent their time lost in one another, holding hands and sharing laughter and sweet kisses.  

Rafael often found himself thinking that, if things were to last between them, he could be wholly satisfied with what Sonny already felt comfortable giving him. The man was a fantastic kisser, for starters. He'd been hesitant at first -- understandably so, considering what he'd worked himself up assuming before they'd ever even really started a relationship -- but he seemed bolstered with each instance as it became increasingly more and more clear that Rafael meant what he had said about 'not doing anything' and meaning it. Rafael took great care with where he put his hands and how his body reacted whenever he became too interested in a deep, passionate kiss, and he could always tell when he was or wasn't doing the right thing by Sonny's silent reactions to his body language (for instance, Rafael quickly discovered that firm hands on Sonny's hips meant the man would happily deepen the kiss, while a forgetful hand slipping under the waistband of Sonny's pants seemed to discourage Sonny's passion; once, when Rafael had forgotten himself and slipped a knee between Sonny's legs, he'd be met with a chuckle and an apologetic smile upon discovering that there was no physical reaction from the other man -- Rafael had gruffly told him not to apologize and, although Sonny muttered that he hadn't  _said_  anything, Rafael found himself encouraged by the hesitantly grateful look in the man's eyes). 

The more they dated, the more frequently they wound up at one another's places after. Rafael had pointedly not invited himself back to Sonny's place to respect the man's needs and to allow him to adjust to the idea that Rafael wouldn't pull the rug out from under him each time he got comfortable with what was growing between them. It wasn't until four dates after their first when Rafael had been ready to say goodnight after Sonny drove him home that he learned that Sonny found his care and consideration endearing but entirely unnecessary. Sonny had rolled his eyes when Rafael leaned in for the goodnight kiss. Rafael didn't react until Sonny had literally put a hand on his face and pushed him back; Rafael spluttered indignantly then, ready to tell the man off until he heard Sonny say that he was coming up to see Rafael's apartment and he'd be damned if he was going to say goodbye until after Rafael had fed him breakfast. 

(The man was as confusing as ever. The moment Rafael was certain he'd figured him out, Sonny would turn around and do something completely unexpected, leaving Rafael to reconsider everything  _again_. He was almost certain by now that Sonny just liked to watch the confusion on his face as the wheels in his head turned as he attempted to balance out the new information.) 

Their nights together were spent comfortably in each other's space. Sometimes they would relax on the couch, talking or watching TV but always touching -- sitting side-by-side, cuddling, laying on the couch with one behind the other, or simply holding hands -- and other times they would go to bed. Neither of them were keen on going to sleep straight away, however. Once they were settled in for the night, they would talk, occasionally for hours at a time.  

That was unlike anything Rafael had ever experienced, and he found himself wanting more. The thought of ever losing those moments was enough to send his mood plummeting. 

Which is why he never brought up physical intimacy.

Sonny was unlike anybody he'd ever dated before. Sonny, although he enjoyed being physically close and liked kissing, took Rafael's word as the most valuable thing the man had to offer. If Rafael said he cared, Sonny believed with everything that it were true. He didn't need the physical reassurance of Rafael's past relationships. It puzzled and frustrated Rafael to no end, to not be able to  _show_  Sonny how much he meant to him. 

After all, there was only so much that holding hands or cuddling could convey, as far as he was concerned.

\---

The hastily blurted out request, so like Sonny, one night after they'd cooked dinner together had been unanticipated and, although Rafael knew he'd let things get to this point by building up all sorts of insane scenarios and "what-ifs" in his mind, Rafael found that for all that he could believe in what Sonny said, he was almost unable to accept what he'd requested.

Some of Rafael's favorite dates with Sonny involved staying in, wearing comfortable clothes, and enjoying a bottle of wine as they taught each other how to cook their favorite Cuban or Italian meals. That night it was Sonny's turn to teach Rafael, and he'd chosen his grandfather's red sauce served over spaghetti. It was a simple-but-important-to-Sonny recipe and, although they spent most of the time cooking talking in between sips of wine, Rafael was ever present and soaked up all of the instructions like a sponge. It was delicious, as were all of the recipes they shared with one another, and they'd eaten it leisurely at the dining room table over their second glass of wine. 

Things were proceeding normally, with both men cleaning up after the mess they had made in Rafael's kitchen. Most likely, they would turn on the TV afterwards and quietly enjoy the other's company for a while longer while they finished the wine. Perhaps they would make out, much like the horny young men they definitely weren't, and then fall asleep wrapped up in one another. 

Sonny, on the other hand, seemed to have an entirely different plan for the night.

Once they'd both dried their hands after washing the dishes, Rafael took their glasses and went into the living room. He set the glasses on the coffee table and reached for the remote.

"What do you want to watch?"

Sonny had remained in the kitchen, just within Rafael's line of sight, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.

When he didn't get a response, Rafael looked at him, frowning. "Sonny?"

"I, uh. I don't wanna watch TV," he said hastily. He started to take a step forward, but stopped himself.

"Okay." Rafael set the remote aside. "What do you want to do?"

"Honestly, man, I just really wanna suck your dick."

White noise suddenly flooded Rafael's ears following the request. He stared at Sonny, clearly shocked at the admission. 

"You... What?" Rafael heard himself ask with a scoff. 

The tips of Sonny's ears were red now. "C'mon, Rafi. You heard me."

"I wasn't sure," he admitted. "Especially considering not four months ago you told me that sex was off the table."

Sonny's brow furrowed. "When the hell did I say that?"

"Alright, so you might have  _implied_  it," Rafael allowed. He swallowed, thinking carefully on his next words. "But,  _mi amor_ , you've said repeatedly that you're asexual."

True to his ever-confusing self, Sonny laughed.

Rafael went for a scowl; instead, it looked more like the pout of someone of someone who just couldn't understand the joke. "Why is that so funny?"

"Asexual doesn't necessarily mean no sex ever, Rafi."

"... I've spent weeks agonizing over this, you know."

Sonny stopped laughing at that and instead made a sympathetic, understanding noise as he went to sit beside the other man. He wrapped an arm around Rafael's shoulders. "Aw, baby, why didn't you tell me?"

"This may come as a surprise to you, but I am capable of surviving without sex. I liked where we were, thank you very much," Rafael grumbled, though he allowed Sonny put pull him to lean against him against the back of the couch. His head fit comfortably against Sonny's shoulder as he pressed a kiss to Rafael's forehead. 

"Then what were you agonizing about?"

Rafael sighed. Saying it out loud was going to make him sound stupid, he was certain (though he'd been increasingly okay with sounding stupid, and he wholeheartedly blamed Sonny for it). 

"I didn't know how else to show you what you mean to me."

Sonny was quiet for a few moments, letting the words settle between them. Then, he simply stated, "That is without a doubt the dumbest thing you've ever said."

Rafael snorted. "Thank you."

Sonny kissed his forehead again. "Seriously, Rafi. And you call  _me_  unobservant."

"You're terrible at this whole comforting boyfriend thing, I hope you know," Rafael said flatly.

He chuckled softly and squeezed him tight in apology. "You've been showing me what I mean to you since our first date." Rafael sat back to give Sonny an incredulous look. "No, really. Look, you might not have shown me through some hours-long night of passion or whatever, but you actually have."

Rafael leaned in to kiss him softly. "And would you mind telling me how? Because I have been wracking my brain trying to find ways to show you, only to find out I've been doing it all along." 

"Well, alright, but we might wanna get comfortable. Could take me ages to tell you about every single thing," he teased. Sonny gently pushed at Rafael until he got the hint and laid down on his back, legs open so Sonny could settle in the middle with his head resting against Rafael's chest. As if on instinct, Rafael curled one hand into Sonny's hair, carefully rubbing and scratching gingerly at his scalp. 

"This," Sonny said simply after a moment.

"This?" Rafael repeated curiously.

"Your hand's in my hair doing amazing things."

"And that shows that I care about you."

"Duh. You know I like being touched in a non-sexual way and even though I'm literally on top of you, you still put your hand in my hair."

"... Go on."

"Well, you're an  _awesome_  kisser," Sonny said with a grin.

"I would argue that's more your department."

"Fine. We're both amazing. Now are you gonna shut up so I can finish?"

Rafael sighed. "... I'll allow it."

"Oh  _thank you_ , Your Honor," he replied sarcastically.

Turned out that pretty much everything Rafael did was enough to show Sonny how much he cared, from the way he kissed to something he'd thought was as plain as hand holding. The thing that really showed Sonny, of course, was how careful Rafael was to read and respond to his physical reactions. 

That, Sonny explained, wound up being one of the sexiest things Rafael could do. And, he'd continued, as nice as it was for Rafael to be willing to not have sex, Sonny had been thinking about it for weeks. 

So he took the rest of that night to show Rafael just what he meant to him.


End file.
